Category: self-authored

my khala, dureshewar aziz khan, passes away

our dear khalajaani, dureshewar aziz khan, has passed away. named after the beautiful princess durrusehvar sultan, daughter of the ottoman caliph abdulmejid, my khala was the star of a family of extraordinary people – writers, speakers, political activists, athletes, linguists, lovers of art and poetry but also sports and outdoor life. khalajaani excelled at her studies from early on. she graduated from medical school, became an OBGYN, and worked as a doctor for the pakistan army, attaining the rank of captain. this was back in the 1960s when women all over the world had not yet won some of the rights (however tenuous they might be) that we take for granted now. she married a dashing air force officer and lived an adventurous life, spending years in libya where her husband was posted and going on ski vacations at a PAF resort in the karakoram, the second-highest mountain range on earth. i still remember how their home in rawalpindi was filled with classical music and expressionist art. after we moved from brussels to islamabad, my mom and khala organized many fun excursions together. we would have picnics at lotus lake and climb trees that seemed as tall as hills. our moms were young, sporty, vibrant. the trips ended abruptly when khalajaani had to deal with a heartbreaking family tragedy. she did it with a reserve of strength, positivity, and intelligence that was nothing short of heroic. in middle age she became a psychiatrist perhaps to better heal herself and those around her. she wrote a book on the subject. in their 70s, my khala and khaloo made the courageous decision to move to the US, to be close to their only son. he was everything to them, and later his children became the heart of their existence. some years ago i remember khalajaani calling my mom. i picked up the phone and we began to talk. she asked me about my political and film work. i tried to be brief so as not to bore her but she asked a lot of questions. she shared her own ideas and then asked me what i thought. she considered my opinions carefully and even changed her mind at times. she was already ill and bedridden in those days, but her mind could still be as sharp as a tack. there was a lifetime of brilliance and intellectual curiosity to sustain it after all. may she rest in power. inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.

[my khaloo is on the left, next to him is his friend, my attique mamoon, my khala is the beautiful young woman on the right, the one without glasses]

The liberal white man

The liberal white man:

-chronically limited by his two-state-solution imagination, in full view of a holocaust
-speaks an all-lives-matter language of non-violence and neutrality
-reads Noam Chomsky but has zero exposure to Palestinian intellectual thought or activist positions
-centers himself and his frailties when faced with simple provocations (such as wanted posters that highlight people with institutional ties to an apartheid state)
-cries racism/ antisemitism if his ego, fears, and vast knowledge about the world are not prioritized
-believes with incredible sincerity that struggles for justice cannot be successful without his stamp of approval or that of his fellow liberal cohort

The liberal white man is MLK’s ‘white moderate’ and we should be done with his policing and pedantic talking down

Martin Luther King, Jr, 16 April 1963
Letter from Birmingham Jail:

‘First, I must confess that over the last few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Council-er or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can’t agree with your methods of direct action;” who paternalistically feels he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by the myth of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a “more convenient season.”

Shallow understanding from people of goodwill is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.’

Recognizing the Stranger: On Palestine and Narrative by Isabella Hammad

Last night I finished reading Isabella Hammad’s Recognizing the Stranger: On Palestine and Narrative.

The first section of the book is based on her speech for the Edward Said Memorial Lecture at Columbia University in September 2023. It’s a speech that’s remarkably erudite, as Rashid Khalidi has said, with references to the work of Edward Said of course but also Aristotle, Freud, Kanafani, Wynter, Lindqvist, Darwish, Ferrante and many more. The tone is calm, analytical, cerebral. I felt immense joy reading it for I was privy to an extraordinary process of sculpting with words, carving ideas and connections ever so gently until a flawless shape is achieved.

From Between the Covers Podcast: ‘[Hammad] looks at the middle of narratives, at turning points, recognition scenes and epiphanies; which explores the intersection of aesthetics and ethics, words and actions, and the role of the writer in the political sphere; and which complicates the relationship between self and other, the familiar and the stranger.’

Certain paragraphs brought tears to my eyes, as there was a shock of recognition. For example this: ‘Rather than recognizing the stranger as familiar, and bringing a story to its close, Said asks us to recognize the familiar as stranger. He gestures at a way to dismantle the consoling fictions of fixed identity, which make it easier to herd into groups. This might be easier said than done, but it’s provocative—it points out how many narratives of self, when applied to a nation-state, might one day harden into self-centered intolerance. Narrative shape can comfort and guide our efforts, but we must eventually be ready to shape-shift, to be decentered, when the light of an other appears on the horizon in the project of human freedom, which remains undone.’

The speech was delivered a few days before October 7th, before the genocide. Earlier this year, in January 2024, Hammad wrote an afterword to the speech, which occupies a third of the book. The style of writing has changed, it’s now direct, urgent, political, based on numbers and dates. It’s full of questions. She sees the proximity of humanism to European colonialism and colonial violence. It’s as if Hammad has reached her own turning point, her own scene of recognition. I was choked with emotion as I read the last part of the book, I took many notes so I could re-read paragraphs like this:

‘In his essay on Shatila, [Jean] Genet speaks extensively of the beauty of the Palestinians, who remind him of the beauty of the Algerians when they rose against the French. He describes it as “a laughing insolence goaded by past unhappiness, systems and men responsible for unhappiness and shame, above all a laughing insolence which realizes that, freed of shame, growth is easy.” The Palestinians in Gaza are beautiful. The way they care for each other in the face of death puts the rest of us to shame. Wael Dahdouh, the Al Jazeera journalist who, when his family members were killed, kept on speaking to camera, stated recently with a calm and miraculous grace: “One day this war will stop, and those of us who remain will return and rebuild, and live again in these houses.”’

afshan noreen qureshi (1955 – 2024)

she was a hero to so many – women and children whose lives she transformed. she never said no to any woman who needed protection, help or encouragement. one of a kind, fearless, but also extraordinarily generous, a pioneer and indeed a changemaker. we will miss u dear afshan. our community will not be the same without u. may u rest in power and may god give strength to sohail bhai and the kids. inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.

what did we expect?

it’s a special kind of moral turpitude to expect people to vote for their own genocide and for the extermination of their own families, friends and communities. it’s interesting to see people change their profile pictures to black for the first time in a year and say, ‘well, now we will all suffer.’ that’s kind of the point. with a livestreamed holocaust of racialized, unwanted populations playing in the background, did we really expect anything but a more naked form of fascism?

it’s not a coincidence

ok i try to be patient but no. if u post the meme with a bunch of afghan women in blue burkas, juxtaposed against pictures of afghan women in skirts, and think u are making a point about women’s liberation, i will have to say goodbye. will also part ways if u post the picture of an iranian woman in her underclothes and feign solidarity with iranian women. apparently the woman in question had a psychotic episode and was taken to a hospital. in the U.S. she might have been shot by a cop. that’s how the system deals with people having mental breakdowns. to have to see these reductive, ill-informed memes and the racist, islamophobic comments that follow, while muslim families are being starved and massacred in a large part of the world, is frankly too much. and not an effing coincidence.

the normalization of rape and torture

when abu ghraib happened, the world was aghast. there were articles in american msm. artists used the declassified documents and photographs to create powerful exhibitions about american hegemony. the site was closed and soldiers held to account – they were identified, vilified, an embarrassment. it’s always too little too late, but look how the system has adjusted. how the torture and rape of colonized brown bodies has become completely normalized. just an annoying intrusion into one’s lovely day out here in the west. this is z…ism. this is the state of isr..l. this is biden-harris and the bipartisan continuation of american empire.

early voting

we did early voting today and voted for the green party. it’s not on the ballot in ny, but one can fill in the bubble for a write-in vote, and write “jill stein/rudolph ware” in that box. i’m sharing this information for a number of reasons. 1) voting for a genocidaire, a sitting vice president who has greenlit a holocaust to which she continues to be committed (“let me be clear, i will always stand up for israel’s right to defend itself”), is not possible. 2) the electoral system/ politicians will not save us, we will have to do that work ourselves. but a multi-pronged approach has been effective in the history of social activism. 3) the two party system is a joke. it’s a gun-toting, earth-poisoning, sadistic, imperialist, one party system that will not stop until it eats itself. if stein gets 130,000 votes in ny, the green party will have ballot access for the next 2 yrs. break the two party system. 4) those who believe in the lesser-of-two-evilism theory, pls stick to facts, not imaginary outcomes. trump did not commit a holocaust of this magnitude – nothing is worse than mass slaughter. if u are worried about immigration, harris is competing with trump to be more xenophobic – a greater lover of militarized borders and walls. if u are concerned about women’s health and reproductive rights, read the lancet: “our colleagues in gaza, local physicians who face the horrors of this large-scale violence daily, report an unprecedented rise in maternal deaths, miscarriages, and stillbirths. the malnutrition that many pregnant women endure only exacerbates these outcomes…” if ur reaction is: “but that’s over there, not here,” pls look into ur stunning ability to otherize non-american, non-white, non-english speaking women. what does that say about your intersectional feminism? 5) american voters seem to opt for style over substance. consider reagan (elevated to the rank of american icon because as an actor, he could play the president quite well), clinton (who could exude southern charm and everyday greasiness while he dismantled welfare, introduced a devastating crime bill and pushed thru NAFTA) or obama (the drone president who dropped 26,000 bombs in 2016 alone and killed a ton of poor people but, hey, he was black and good at speeches). the distaste for trump is partly that – the inability of american liberals to digest his cartoonish presence. 6) i know that the words ‘crossing a red line’ have become meaningless, since so many lines have been breached in gaza. doesn’t change the fact that there should be limits (legal, political, social) to what is considered acceptable or bearable. whether one calls it morality or ethics, whatever the panorama of what one considers good or evil, some rules can never be violated. killing and torturing children, siccing dogs on the elderly and those with disabilities, gang rape, assassinating journalists, doctors and academics, starving 2 million people to death – the list is endless, israeli depravities unimaginable, and biden-harris 100% responsible. register your break from these war crimes and vote for a third party.

not interested in debating. sharing my thoughts with those who care to read.

thoughts on indigenous peoples’ day

today is indigenous peoples’ day and i am struck by this thought: would all the non-native people (settlers) who support and speak up for indigenous rights, still do so if we were in the midst of genocides on turtle island? does the distance in time, when atrocities are already a fait accompli, make it easier to acknowledge the native’s humanity? what u would have done in the 1830s, during the cherokees’ forced displacement and ethnic cleansing by andrew jackson, is what u are doing right now as indigenous people are burned alive in makeshift tents functioning as hospitals in gaza. u would probably have been silent. once the theft of land has been accomplished, it’s easy to decry historical massacres.

jabalia camp is under siege

jabalia camp, in northern gaza, has been under total siege for 8 days now. no access to food, water, or medical services. there are drones and jets in the sky and on top of every house in every street, killing anything that moves. for 8 days. 400,000 people are trapped inside jabalia. they are being systematically exterminated in full view of the world. go ahead and volunteer for kamala harris’s campaign. she is co-presiding over this holocaust. if u believe in any kind of justice, even if it’s poetic justice, remember this: we all knew.

ashwaq’s beautiful son

ashwaq and i became friends in 2017 when i had a chance to invite her and others over for dinner at our house in pittsford. a young teacher from gaza, she was visiting the US thanks to a state department program. she radiated warmth and optimism. there was an immediate connection. we stayed in touch on facebook since that day.

in 2021, she participated in the warp & weft project and contributed a story in arabic about the unique problems of managing a pandemic in gaza, a densely populated concentration camp, cut off from the rest of the world. later ashwaq was kind enough to join us for a zoom meeting, where many warp & weft writers gathered, even though it was the middle of the night in palestine, that too during the month of ramadan. there had been israeli air strikes on gaza right before then. ashwaq told us patiently how she and her family had managed to survive, yet again. always gentle and gracious, my dear ashwaq.

i kept checking in on her after oct 7th. she would respond whenever she was able to get online. she was still ok. trying to leave gaza and move to canada where she has family. but the canadian government kept delaying her application. when she was finally allowed to evacuate, israel destroyed the rafah border. she was trapped along with millions of others. i kept checking in, feeling like a useless robot who offers the same empty words of concern and solidarity. like a dull broken record. do prayers actually work? do they? i don’t know.

i had not heard from ashwaq for a while. yesterday i saw the picture of a beautiful young man looking in the distance. he had been martyred. ashwaq and her family were tagged. i couldn’t breathe. my friend’s son, a vibrant young man, full of smiles, full of life, full of hopes and possibilities. gone. i saw a video of my friend praying over his body. he was wrapped in a white shroud with blood stains on it. oh god, i too have children. what horrors are these? what incomprehensible horrors. what incomprehensible pain. why are some humans permitted to act like apophis and deploy limitless hatred and savagery? what have they done? such unspeakable harm and irreversible injury. such final death. we ask for justice, god. nothing less than justice. may such evil be extinguished. ended.

may justice prevail. for my friend and millions of others. may justice shake the world to stillness and wash over us like rain.

inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.

congrats arshad nadeem

in a world full of violence and death, some stories manage to sparkle like drops of sunshine and make one’s heart sing. look at imane khelif who grew up in an algerian village and sold scrap metal to pay for bus trips to the city where she trained as a boxer. her dad is a welder, her mom sold couscous to support her daughter’s dream. now arshad nadeem from a small village in pakistan, who built his skills in javelin throwing by practicing tent pegging, has broken olympic records with a stunning throw of 92.97 meters. his dad is a mason who makes as little as $1/day at times. when gas bills got too high, the family was forced to use a coal pit for cooking, but they made sure arshad continued to have the diet he needed. to rise from such humble beginnings and become the best in the world, to compete with athletes trained by states and given an abundance of resources, to come from the global south and win in colonial empires – what incredible power and audacity! u make us proud!

btw still boycotting the olympics. come across these stories on social media and in whatsapp groups 🙂

“I am tired, my friend”

Ismail Al-Ghoul was a Palestinian journalist and Al Jazeera correspondent in Gaza. He was born in 1997 in Al-Shati refugee camp, north of Gaza City. A brilliant journalist who refused to leave, his reports became a mainstay of the news from the north of the Gaza Strip. He was assassinated along with his cameraman, Rami Al-Rifi, in Gaza City today. He was younger than my son.

“Let me tell you, my friend, that I no longer know the taste of sleep. The bodies of children and the screams of the injured and their blood-soaked images never leave my sight. The cries of mothers and the wailing of men who are missing their loved ones never fade from my hearing.

I can no longer bear the sound of children’s voices from beneath the rubble, nor can I forget the energy and power that reverberates at every moment, turning into a nightmare. It is no longer easy for me to stand before the rows of coffins, which are locked and extended, or to see the dead people more than the living who are fighting death beneath their homes, not finding a way out to safety and survival.

I am tired, my friend…”

More than 165 journalists have been killed in 10 months by the Israeli occupation.

a garish spectacle in paris

i will not watch the olympics when an apartheid state in the process of exterminating palestinian children is allowed to participate and flaunt its genocidal talents. but the images i’ve seen so far are from a dystopian novel, full of garish spectacle including a bloody, guillotined head. so disorienting/ nauseating when i’m also watching footage of medics in gaza collecting the soot-covered head of a little girl and placing it gently into a body bag next to her tiny beheaded body. this and then reading ridiculously servile posts from fb liberals about joe biden’s shining legacy and patriotic sacrifice. what a violently racist, warped world we live in folx. the west is a lurid collective death cult. ceasefire now.

i am with sonya

i am with her. sonya massey, a 36-year old black woman who called 9/11 for help and was shot in the head by a cop. she’s not the only black woman murdered by police in her own home. so were breonna taylor and atatiana jefferson not too long ago. and before that charleena lyles, korryn gaines and deborah danner.

did it matter who was in the white house when they were killed?

white supremacy is a bipartisan project. the death cult that applauds a war criminal fresh from butchering children in gaza, is the same racist system that slaughters black people in america. the utter dehumanization of palestinian children, so that their bodies become receptacles for untold savagery, means that brown and black bodies here at home are also stripped of rights and protections and will be equally open to incomprehensible brutality. not only that, they will be blamed consistently for their own extermination.

people of color in high places will not guarantee our safety. vote ur conscience, but pls look beyond mercenary politicians (of all skin tones and anatomies) for long term change. our survival depends on it.